Saturday, September 17, 2016

Day 169- Self Appreciation

In a recent point that I have been walking, I realized that I barely appreciate myself for the things I do and accomplish. Most of the time I am in the moment of looking at self dishonesties and directing points and questioning if I directed the points "correctly", that I have not made it a point within myself to appreciate myself and the things that I have walked/directed successfully. I noticed that if I don't appreciate myself than it's like I am putting myself down for the things I messed up on. I saw this in reflection of how I felt others are not appreciating the things that I do....and my first reaction was to go into blame that I am not appreciated by others- but then bringing it back to self (in self reflection) I realized that I am the one who is not appreciating me.

So I commit myself to visibly show my self appreciation for the small or big things that I do accomplish in my process of life.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Day 168- Living Words- Dancing

This is part of the series “Living Words"

I really enjoy dancing but sometimes I feel like my dancing is forced. I tried recoding myself dancing and when I watched it I did not like it. While dancing I was aware of my recording and I can feel a lot of thoughts going through about how I appeal to the camera. And then there is times where I don't have thoughts going through while dancing and I am able to feel the flow of my movements.

Some ways to sound the word dancing:


Redefinition: Dancing: A movement of self to express with a sound/music/melody/beat. Feeling the music itself and having my body respond to it with direction-to be one with the sound.

Day 167- Living Words- Self Motivation

This is part of the series “Living Words"

When it comes to motivation I am not very motivated for a lot of thing. Most of my life I have spent with “going with the flow” which at one point I used to think it was the way of life. But walking with Deteni, I have come to realize that motivation is something that needs to come from within as self expression- not for manipulative reasons. So riding on the “going with the flow” wave is only 50% of using what is here physically in my reality- the other 50% is how I direct myself in relation to what is here. So the self direction is the actual motivation (self motivation if you will). The self motivation starting point is the decision of how to move myself with what is here in my reality and what I can do and create.

Some ways to sound out the word motivation:

-motive-action (as in give myself a motive)

Redefinition: Self Motivation: The motive is a movement- to be self motivated means to move myself using what is here in the physical.

Day 166- "If you don't....., I'll leave you!"

"If you don't....., I'll leave you!"

This is a common used phrase by many parents towards their younger children. And I am guilty of having used it with my son-especially when he was a toddler. It seems harmless because I know that I would not leave him behind and I am only saying these words so that he would come with me. When looking it at it it is actually a scare tactic used by parents to "keep" their children in control.

I recall we were at the store and my toddler son was having fun by a fountain in the store area and we were ready to go but he was not. So I told him that if he does not come I will leave him there. And I walked away (hiding but still having my eye on him). At the time he did not seem to care as he was engaged with the water in the fountain so I had to go pick him up and we left with him screaming on top of his lungs in the whole store. Regardless I kept using this phrase as he was growing and he began to not like it when I said it. He would start crying and still did not end up coming with me. But I am sure this works on many children in one way or another.

So I have not used this in a long time- I realized that what I was saying to him is that he can't trust me. How can his mother leave him behind? Even though he was not realizing that concept (me leaving him behind) when he was younger, he did grow to dislike it.

When you say something like this to your child, what are you really showing them from their perspective of hearing it.- That you would abandon them if they don't follow your directions? How is that building support and trust relationship with your child in the long run? It is not. And today may be this but tomorrow this scare tactic can be something else- and children will remember subconsciously.

I have learned 3 important things when it comes to building trust with your children:
Don't lie to your children (even in good faith), Don't break promises and Don't say you will abandon them if they are not listening.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Day 165- Parenthood Is Just the Beginning

Four years ago I began my journey of parenthood. I thought I had it understood to a certain degree, but nothing prepares one like living the actual life of a parent.

There have been many emotional moments as my son has been growing up and here I want to open some of those moments particular to my experience as a parent and then I want to move on into how those experiences have changed based on my understanding/growth/self development and stabilizing myself.

One very particular experience I recall is wanting my son to grow up faster because I did not want to deal with certain baby stuff I am required to do as a parent to support the physical being of my child-
One-I wanted him to sleep longer so that I can sleep
Two-I wanted him to eat grown up food so that I don't have to worry about cooking separate foods
Three-I wanted him to walk so I don't have to carry him everywhere
Four- I wanted him talk so that we can have actual conversations
Five- I wanted him to be toilet trained because dippers are a pain

I basically was in a hurry to skip the baby stages because there was something I did not like or particularly enjoy, something I did not want to adapt my life to. Something I was holding on to (an experience of pre-parenthood)- My FREEDOM. This was of course in a suppressed/hidden way to where the result was that I was often irritated with him especially when he was crying. I am sure lots of new parents may experience such moments even if they are very subtle within and may not even realize it.

Fast forward to recent months my son was having some behavior problems at day care- in particular it was hard for him to play with others in sharing or waiting and he would hurt others by hitting them and in a few occasions biting them. He has been very stubborn since he was born actually and instead of finding a way to address this in a stable manner I had always reacted to him being stubborn to where I would spent evenings with him screaming over a toy he wanted and I would not give into him because I wanted to be in control or I would ignore him as a sort of punishment.

And I really needed to look at myself and I had been refusing this for the longest time because I need to be in control. I had been refusing to work with him which escalated his behavior- he was whinny, he would scream, he would cry, he would try to hit me (even if it was not hard- but it is the gesture that counts) and my reaction was to "punish him" in some way- like taking a toy or TV time away, or ignoring him. And Man, was I annoyed with his behavior.

I realized that the key is in me- it was about how I interacted with him, about my attitude and the possible hidden/suppressed reaction of him "taking my freedom away" that I never wanted to admit to myself because in my eyes I wanted to be the best parent/mother for him but I was failing at it since I did not have myself sorted out in relation to him.

The last REAL tantrum he threw (about a month ago) was over a toy that first he did not want and then minutes later after I had put it away he wanted it. The evening was long because I was refusing to take the toy back out to prove a point. He was screaming, he was hopping and had a very difficult time calming down. He was talking out of breath and was so stuck on having that toy that he refused to shower, he refused to go to bed. Finally he got tired and eventually went to bed but it was a struggle.  I later (in like a week or so) began to reflect on why those tantrums were happening. Was this really about the toy or was there something deeper to it and the toy was something he could cling onto. After talking to my DIP buddy regarding this issue, she said that it was not about the toy itself but rather him wanting to have a say in something and I was not giving him that chance.
After this discussion I began to reflect on moments where I have not allowed him to voice himself or have something his way or really listen to him and come to a point of agreement/understanding about the event/situation. I admitted lots of things to myself that I was previously refusing and realized that I had to change and adapt. I realized I was not adapting to his growth. Here he is finally passed those baby stages and I could not see it that he needed a different approach/understanding. He needed to be able to express his voice for his age. And this will continue changing as he grows older.

I gave him the opportunity to make some decisions on his own with my suggestion. I spoke to him without getting irritated. I presented him with a solution of how to deal with other children if he was getting upset at them. We spoke about when NO really means NO and that it is OK to not get something at the moment. We made an agreement of when he would be able to get what he wanted.
I am in the process of establishing basic communication/understanding/agreement with him to stand as our mother/son foundation.
I know he is a stubborn child and I need to work with this to redirect it into a productive way- where stubbornness becomes determination in the right direction. There is lots of things that will change as he grows older but the one thing that remains stable is the foundation/agreement that is created/built.

Day 164- Adapting is the "New Way"

I recently listened to a video on Soul Of Ultimate Living about the word ADAPTABLE and I really enjoyed the discussion that takes place in the video. It has helped me look at the word "to adapt" more closely and with better awareness.

The main understanding I took away is that life is ever changing and we must change with it and that requires us to adapt to the new changes or we get caught in an emotional roller coaster of trying to hold on to the past and the way things were which falls out of an alignment with life itself.
Adaptation is part of our life processes/development/evolving, like a stepping stone towards moving forward.

An example that is coming up at the moment is with my son. When he was just a baby our nightly routine was a certain way based on the physical and emotional needs he needed met. As he continued to grow up those needs changed because he was changing and learning. I remember one afternoon when he was about 2 years and 4 months.  I placed him for his usual afternoon nap and he refused to nap. I was really irritated with him because I was counting on that nap to do other stuff. Little did I know this was going to be the new way as he did not want to nap anymore. And the more I fought this napping schedule which worked out perfect for me in the past the more irritated I was getting. I was not using my common sense to understand that I had to adapt to this change and not fight it.

Adapting means to align or re-align with the physical life changes that will occur for certain in everyone's lives. It is how we respond to this change that will affect us productively or emotionally.

Day 163- The Mirror of Self/Dis/Honesty

I recently looked at the 4 words:

Self Dishonesty
Self Honesty

In order to identify moments where I am aware of those 4 words in my life I made a quick perspective definitions. I actually have redefined the words- self honesty/honesty in one of my living word definitions however looking at the 4 words together I was able to get a closer definition for myself.

So here it goes:
Dishonesty: Lying to someone, hiding something from someone, pretending to be something or someone towards another in justification that I have a right to do so.

Self Dishonesty: Refusing to recognize that what I am doing and how I am acting is in fact not in consideration or alignment with the reality. In doing so I am lying, hiding to myself and justifying my lying/hiding.

Honesty: Saying the truth about my feelings, my opinions, my judgments to someone in justification that I have a right to do so.

Self Honesty: Looking into my actions and deeds and recognizing where I am lying to myself and allowing myself to become vulnerable in that moment to look pass my mind that is looking for a justification to why I have the right to hold on my self dishonesty.